Have been watching... Guess what?:P

Thanks to excessive boredom, I actually dug out my Meteor Garden (I) collection and have started watching it yesterday (or was it the day before?). Heeheehee... I stopped on CD 7 (out of 20) to give chance to those who want to watch TV. When I start CD 8 tomorrow... Hmmm... What's gonna happen again?

Oh yeah! That's when Dao Ming Si (Dau Ming Sz... Dao Ming Sz... Dau Ming Si... Dao Ming Zi... Who cares?) comes back from his super short trip to New York.:P I can't believe I actually feel the kilig! Hahaha! If only Shan-Tsai and Dao Ming Si's characters weren't played by Barbie and Jerry (Ewww... what names...:P)...

Starbucks

I LOVE YOU!!!

Haaay... I had my Strawberry waffles today... Yummm...

La lang... share.:P

Oh yeah! I was super bored this morning... So what I did... I got my guitar and played a few songs. And then... After that... I just sang and sang to the tune of Overdrive, Magasin, and Silvertoes but using made-up lyrics. Yeah... So I was singing "Ang tagal naman ng April 20... Gusto ko na talagang pumasok..." Hahaha! Really funny. I even recorded it on my phone... Hahaha!:P

Wala lang ulit!!!

I'm soooo bored...

I desperately need to get out of this house!!! Waaah! So bored! Can't wait to go back to school!!!

Hahaha... I sound like such a nerd...:P Kasi naman!!! Nababato na ako sa bahay! Sobrang walang magawa dito kundi computer all day! Eh ano naman ang magandang madudulot ng pag-computer kung di naman ako makapag-download diba?!

Kasi naman eh... Taenang topak ng mga pc... Hay nako... Kung di sana nagloko itong pc edi ang dami ko nang na-DL. Well... Medyo wala na nga lang space na natitira sa memory ng pc, pero at least may nagagawa ako, diba? At pwede ko naman i-burn sa CD yung mga files para makapag-bura na ako sa pc... Right!?

Soooo frickin' booooored... Haaay. Napapa-type na tuloy ako sa tagalog. Hahaha.

Sige na nga... Tagalugin na natin ng tuluyan.:P

Nagkaroon ng pagsasalo dito sa bahay namin kanina. Kaarawan kasi ng aking nakababatang kapatid at ng aking Lola noong nakaraang Lunes, ika-20 ng Marso. Eh kaso lang araw ng pasok iyon, kaya di agad kami nakapag-salu salo. Ang ginawa namin kanina ay nagtungo kami sa Seaside Restaurant. Yun Yung malapit sa CCP. Masarap kumain ng alimango, pramis!!!

Tapos, bumalik kami dito sa bahay.

Nagpalaro sila sa labas, habang ako at ang aking mga pinsan ay nandito sa taas, gumagamit ng kompyuter. Nang matapos ang mga palaro ay umakyat ang mga bata. Ang nangyari... Parang binagyo ang aming kama! Aba! Porket nandito kami sa labas ng kuwarto at nagtutugtog ng gitara ay pumasok pala at naglaro sa kama naming magkapatid ang ilan sa aming mga pinsan! Nalaman ko na lang nang lumabas ang isa sa kanila at sinabing "Sorry na lang sa kama mo!!!" tapos sabay takbo pababa!

Balang araw mapapatay ko siya... Sana lang ay may pumigil sa akin. Seryoso... Kung kayo merong pinsan na 11 taong-gulang at nag-iisang anak pa... Ika nga sa ingles ay spoiled dahil wala namang ibang binibigyang pansin sa pamilya nila... Talagang mabubugnot ka! Walang araw na hindi ako naasar sa kanya. Paano ba naman ay pakiramdam niya hari siya ng mundo! Aba, akala mo kung sino kung mag-utos! Sino ba siya, aber? Pag tumanda siya uupakan ko talaga siya kahit pa lalaki siya. Eh ano naman sa akin kung lalaki siya, diba? Kung noon nga nagpapaiyak ako ng mga lalaki sa paaralan ko, ngayon pa kaya.

Tae ng kalabaw...

Haaay... Sige sige, kalimutan na ang gagong yun. Hay, ang sama ko. Anak pa man din siya ng kambal ng akong ina. Oh well... Eh kung di ba naman kasi siya gago.

Ano ba yan... Pati bata na lang pinatulan pa! Hahaha!

Matulog na lang kaya ako? Ayus! Para managinip ako na nasa school na ulit ako at magkasama na kami ng blockmates at Atenistang mga kaibigan ko!!! Edi masaya!:P

Summer Vacation

Woohoo... It's summer vacation once again!!! The year flew by so fast... I can't believe my first year in AdMU has finally ended!

I remember one time I was studying for our math long test. My dad entered our room to make sure me and my sister were asleep and to make sure the air-con was on timer. He saw me sitting on my table, solving problems on right triangles and polar graphs.

"What are you doing?" he asked me.

I replied, "Studying for my math long test tomorrow."

"Aaaah... So, when're your finals?"

"Uhh... I think it's on March 20-24. Sometime that week."

"Aaaahhh..."

And then he stared at me. I stared back at him.

"What?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Nothing." And then he continued to stare. I shrugged too and went back to studying.

For a while he just stood there, staring at me as I punched the keys on my calculator, solving problems on Chapter 7.3 of my material. I ignored him, since it was normal that he checks upon us every night and that he would stare whenever we're doing something late at night. It was quiet, the gentle humming of the air conditioner and the soft rumbling of the car engines passing by the road outside the only sound that can be heard.

And then he broke the silence. "Your first year is about to end."

I stared at him. "Yeah, I know," I said.

He stared back... And smiled. "Your first year is about to end," he repeated.

"Uhuh... I know, pa."

And he just continued smiling at me, and I just stared at him with this uh-what-now-? expression.

"You realize you have only four more years left in college?" he asked. I nodded, the same expression on my face. "In four years you'll be graduating... WOW."

I laughed. "Pa, don't say that. You're scaring me."

And then he smiled again and bid me goodnight. He left the room, and I stared at the door as he closed it behind him.

Yeah... Only four more years left. My first year went by so fast, I hardly realized it. So much has happened this past year. I met my course blockmates and my english blockmates. I got close to some people, even to those not in any of my classes.

I went to watch three movies with my course block (two in Gateway and one in G4), watched two movies with Pao and Abby (both in Gateway), watched one movie with Matt (in Gateway), watched one movie with Christelle and Mafel (in G4), and went to Timezone G4 with Margaux and Ralen.

Me and my En11 groupmates went to QC Circle twice for our feature article. Both times we met up at McDo Katipunan and then together headed to the Circle. There we ate at Bacolod Chicken Inasal, Sonson was chased by a group of gay people, bought chicharon for 10 pesos each pack, bought milo and iced tea. When we got back to Katipunan we ate at Max's.

I cut one drafting class in order to get to DLSU on Assumption Day... And I was wearing red. Every Assumptionista I saw was wearing red... Even those who didn't know what day it was. Funny...:P

I sat in on section C's drafting class during the last three or four meetings of class... And on each meeting I had a cup on McDo hot choco because each time Paolo and I would meet up in McDo before 7:30.

Went to Paolo's house for his birthday... And got drunk with drinking too much Coke. Hehe. Headed there with Rodri, Ang and Tosh. Haha! I remember that was the day when the Tosh/Daph issue started.:P

Me and the Abubot core went to Quiapo for the project. How many times? Twice? Thrice? Twice we went with most of te members of the core, and once with only Paolo. Fun... Riding the LRT from V. Mapa to Katipunan to meet the core, and then from Katipunan to Recto, walking through evangelista all the way to Quiapo church, riding the train from Recto to Katipunan, and then home from Katipunan to V. Mapa. McDo played a vital role in this too... Most of the time this was where we met up before heading to Quiapo.

I had the first sem finals... Making yet more papers for Acuna's class, taking the Math18a and Chem with MRT tests and fearing failure, making ice cream for Chem lab, wasn't able to finish drafting, and submitting papers for Eng. I passed first sem with a QPI of 2.08... Not very high.

We had the ACP, got tired with all the running, crawled in mud, swam in spaghetti, climbed a tree... And of course ended the day with an Apple Pie and Mc Flurry oreo in McDo.

I went to Simbang Gabi in Gesu, and on those nights my dad had to pick me up because I didn't want to ride a jeep back home.

Paolo, Abby and I went to Cla's ballet recital at th Meralco Theater. It ended so late at night that the only thing way I could get back home was by riding the MRT to Shaw and then riding a jeep home. Turns out that the MRT going south was already closed, and I had to take a bus to shaw while Paolo and Abby take the train north. But then I got down the bus a little past Shangri-La because it was too dark and I couldn't see where we were, and I had to walk in the dark, fearing someone might kidnap me, to get back to Shangri-La and ride that jeep.

I attended the CYA Crossroads retreat which resulted in me being part of Ate Portia's Action Group. Which turned out to be a huge blessing.:D

I went to Luday's Pink party with Ralen and Trisha, where we got to see Bam, Sansan, and many other batchmates from AC. We got Trisha to drink Vodka Ice even if she didn't want to at the start.:) I spilled some on Ralen's hand as I attempted to pour some into her coke.

And a lot of people mistook SOMEONE as my boyfriend... Hahaha! Very funny.:P

Dota... I don't play, but I went with my blockmates enough times to last me a lifetime.

Oh yeah... and all the plays we had to watch... Those late nights when I had to get picked up at McDo...:D

Finally, had our finals for 2nd sem... Math18b and Lit14. CAD was cancelled. I hope I pass.

Yeah... a lot has happened, and I will really miss it. The people I'm not going to be in class with next year, the profs I'm not going to have anymore... Everything... Haaay... I hope the next years will be as memorable as this.

Stupid fucking virus!

Oooooookaaaaayyy... Not only did it get sent to the U1 and ECE 2010 groups, but also to the R39 and Hauoli groups. not only that, but it was also sent to this group of MaSci people... and I don't even know them. I just opened my mail to see that i recieved a mail saying "We were unable to deliver your message to linnaeus_05@yahoogroups.com" because I was not subscribed to it and stuff like that.

Waaah... Viruses suck. Who the hell invented viruses anyway?! Grar...

I'm waiting to see if it will be sent to the AC IV-4 group as well...

Bayrus bayruuuuusss...

Mwihihihi... I did not send the U1 and ECE 2010 groups that virus-y email... wokie? I suppose you people would have guessed anyway that I didn't send anything like that, but just wanted to make sure.

Doi... I don't sent anything to the ECE 2010 group anyway... kami-kami rin naman kasi sa U1 ang members nun eh! Haha! Kasi naman Addison eh! I-add mo na yung ibang ka-course natin, ampota!:P

Now, if it continues bothering you guys (The same thing happened to someone in my course and "he" kept sending the same thing over and over again in our org's group...), I'm sorry. Hey, you know I wouldn't do that, don't you?:P

Paolo said that when that happened to him before, Yahoo! sent him an email saying he sent spam... And he disregarded it, but nothing happened, right? So... Nothing would happen to me, right? As in... cut off my mail or something? Oh well.:P

About RADIANS and DEGREES

"Remember: When plotting points on a polar coordinate system, make sure your calculator is in RADIANS, NOT in DEGREES. Otherwise your graph ends up looking like shit."

The perfect YM stat to let the whole world know just how stupid you can be...

I was walking home this afternoon when it dawned on me. No wonder I couldn't get a good cardiod symmetric with the pi/2 axis (Dammit... Symbols font does not work here... can't get the pi symbol right...:P). Anyway... Yeah... I knew it was supposed to be a cardiod since a/b = 1, but no... My graph had to go and look like a freaking almond.

And the supposed circle (Yeah, it was about intersecting graphs in a polar plane) looked nothing like a circle. Hell, I even thought for a moment that maybe it was supposed to be a spiral instead of a circle. Damn.

Oh well, can't do anything about it anymore. At least I know that I passed Math18b. Our prof told me this morning that I needed at least a 20 in the finals in order to get a grade of D. And I was able to solve one of the two proving by math induction problems which were worth 20 pts each, and I think I got the answers right to the first three numbers whose points add up to I think either 50 or 55. So yeah... I passed Math!!! Woohoo!!!

Still... that stupid Degree/Radians thingy got me pissed at myself. Oh well...

PC is working again!!!

Yeeeeeeesssssss!!! After three days of torture, of fear that the pc will not work properly and that we would have to forever use it on safe mode... Finally!!! Finally it worked!!! What made it work? We don't know.

Burning my important files (i.e. Rurouni Kenshin manga, Rurouni Kenshin OSTs, Rurouni Kenshin OVAs, manga by Kaori Yuki, Fushigi Yuugi music, Word files for the first and second semesters, pics transferred from my phone, etc.) onto a CD in case the pc decides that it's lifetime lasts for only four months?

Repeatedly doing the System Restore thingy which took nearly two hours each time?

A couple of games of Minesweeper, Solitaire, Spider Solitaire and Free Cell while on safe mode?

Haha... Who knows and who cares!!! As long as the pc works, I'm happy as hell!

Unless of course it goes back to it's crappy state once it has been shut down again. In that case I will always have to wait until the evening so that I may borrow my dad's laptop... like I am doing now because my mom is using the desktop.

Better

Heehee... I feel better now than I did yesterday.

YOU. Yes, you. Well, you've made up more than enough for what happened yesterday. Promise, you really did, so I forgive you. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you so much for just sitting with me and comforting me as much as you can. And also for offering your sleeve for me to use to wipe away my tears as I sat crying at Berchman's Hall... even though I never did use it. Well... okay, so maybe a few droplets went here and there...

Well, anyway... bottom line is... THANK YOU. You really did make me feel so much better. Just so you know, I don't cry in front of other people, not in the way I did. In fact, I don't think I've ever cried like that in front of those other than my parents. Hmmm... Baka isa yun sa dahilan kung bakit mas gumaan ang loob ko... kasi for once merong ibang tao na nasabihan ko ng mga hinanakit ko, imbis na kimkim ko lang lahat ito... Hahaha. See see... that's how much I trust and love you. Thank you.:)

And... Well, I sort of talked to my mom already... through text, that is. And we kind of discussed what was wrong... So just maybe when she gets home we'd be on better terms than we were in last night.

Who cares anyway?

This entire thing was taken from my diary... sort of copy pasted, except that you can't copy something from paper and paste it into the pc...

Everything in [ ] are those stuff which I wanted to add but didn't because I was too tired from writing so much...

-----------------------------------------

Death is just so appealing right now. No more schoolwork, no more depression, no more parents telling you how much you suck and what a liar you are. No nothing, just plain darkness. No problems, at the same time no happiness. PERFECT.

If I died, would anyone miss me? Would anyone care that I'm gone? To some I might only be someone to help in a fourth year math lesson that he does not understand, or I might only be an English-Tagalog dictionary to others. I might be something like MS Word's Filipino version of "Spelling and grammar check," or someone to lend anime VCDs to those who want to. I might only be [the block's walking bulletin board], someone you can ask to send a text message to the entire block just because I'm on line [(Come on... "Pkikalat... Line k nmn eh..." and "Kaya nga sa iyo ko sinend, kasi alam kong line ka..." What do those say?)], or someone to burn songs and files onto a CD.

To my siblings I might just be an abusive ate, unworthy of their respect. To my parents I feel as if I'm only a liar, a daughter who does not ever tell anything of the truth and someone whom they can never trust.

The more I write about this, the more I think less of the kind of person I am. Do I even have any good qualities? I know I can be violent, and I admit to being a big bully back in grade school. I might say I'm gifted in the intellect, but that just wouldn't match up with the failing grades I'm getting, would it? I can't say I'm good at socializing and speaking in public either, as I am such a huge introvert who would prefer to keep to herself. Hell, I can't even fall under the category "Beauty but no brains." Heaven knows I'm no hottie. I'm small in stature, I'm dark, [I don't have the perfect Ms. Universe body... far from it, in fact]... What more can you ask for?

I feel pathetic, and the logical, rational part of my brain is telling me I'm even more pathetic for thinking that such petty things make me unworthy...

But hell... can you blame me?

Probably the only thing I can be good at is being a true friend, but the think is... Is anyone at all true to me?

Maybe there's at least one person who truly does care. I hope to hell she does. Because I care for her so much, no matter what distance separates us. If she doesn't...

God... I may seem like such a whiner, but every single negative thing a seventeen-year old like myself could probably experiece is piling one on top of another, [and I can't do anything about them]. Seriously. And throughout this entire ordeal, no one seems to care...

Imagine sending a text message like this and not recieving any reply:

"Pagagalitan nanaman ako ni mama. Sinigawan na nako sa phone. See? Kaya gusto ko na agad umuwi eh. I'm sorry, di ako galit sa iyo, pero alam mo ba yung feeling na maiiyak ka na sa loob ng lrt mismo dahil pinagagalitan ka ng mom mo sa phone habang nasa public place ka at di mo madepensahan ang sarili mo dahil makikita nilang may gulo? Yung sinisigawan ka ng mom mo tungkol sa ano nanaman daw kasinungalingan ang sasabihin mo pag-uwi tapos kahit gaano kahina yung volume ay feeling mo super lakas pa rin at naririnig na ng ibang tao? Sayo siguro madali lang kasi sanay kang sumasagot sa mom mo pero sa amin hindi pwede ang ganung behavior. Kay gusto ko nang umuwi agad kasi alam ko na kahit naman magsabi ako ng totoo kung bakit late ako ay hindi pa rin nila tatanggapin at sasabihin pa rin nila na nagsisinungaling ako. Kaya nga desperado akong makauwi ng maaga. Kaya kita pinipilit na magmadali. Pero hindi. Kahit anong mangyari pagagalitan pa rin ako.. Oo na, medyo asar ako sayo. Ayan, inaamin ko na. Pero sana wag mong personalin. Naiintindihan mo naman siguro ang sitwasyon ko diba?"

This reached 8 messages on text... It took me several minutes to finish texting with the correct grammar, spelling and punctuation. An hour after I sent it, I still didn't recieve a reply. Way to show me how much people care, especially considering the fact that the reason I was because of you. I cared for you enough to wait even though I knew that my parents might get mad at me for coming home late.

Hindi sa nagpaparinig... pero do you know how much it hurts to not recieve any reply when here you are, crying and crying in nearly fetal position, your emotional self unstable, and you feeling like you're teetering on the brink of insanity? When here you are, feeling as if you're the lowest of the low, the most unworthy creature in the planet, and one of the people you value and care for so much don't even say so much as a sorry?

[And my mom... Oh god, my mom... Why can't she learn to trust me? I know I used to be a big jerk before, making up all sorts of excuses for stuff I do. But that was in high school... I'm trying to prove to her and my dad now that I can be trusted... I've been doing so the past two semesters, and still she does not get the message. Have I really been that stupid when I was a kid for me not to earn her trust even after trying so hard?]

Great... Just when I thought I'd finally gotten a reply to my long message, I open the inbox only to read that my dentist was just confirming the appointment I have with her tomorrow. Aww... How very thoughtful.

I might be overreacting a bit... and I'm sorry kung may natamaan ako or what. I love you all so much, and even if you don;t love me back I just want to let you know how much you've all affected me, of how much I value you. This goes out to my family, my extended family, my gradeschool friends, my high school friends, my barkada, my college friends whom I met the past two semesters, my course blockmates, my english blockmates, my CYA brothers and sisters (CYA Ateneo man or hindi, staffers, etc.), and practically everyone I know...

Before it's too late and I never get to tell you how much I care...

--------------------------------------

I got the reply to my message two hours after I sent it... and how comforting to know that he was saying sorry for not being able to reply. Just that. Nothing about being sorry for causing my mom to get mad at me. Great... And to think that as we were walking to the lrt station (he and our friend accompanied me there) I was crying discreetly because I was thinking how unfair it was for me to act all mad at him when I voluntarily (well, sort of...) waited for him to get back from where he came from just so he could photocopy the physics notes I had...

And my mom? She's not talking to me. I never got to tell her when I got home why I was late, because she never even looked at me when I arrived. I guess she still thinks I was going to lie about what caused me to get home late...

I'm still a walking bulletin board. The entire time I was typing this thing, around five people texted me about the block study group thing tomorrow morning for the physics long test.

And I'm still emotionally unstable and suicidal. A walking time bomb. I wonder when I will explode...

First and last class for the day... Lit14, 3:30-4:30

Nyar!!! Can't believe it... My first and last class for the day is at 3:30 in the afternoon! Kinda tempting to just not go to school at all today...

Oh well, at least we haven't got CAD today. Darn... I just want to get CAD over and done with. Damn, I hate Torralba. I reeeeally reeeeally hate her. If I become a queen she's the first person I'd have executed. Come on, Paopao, Jonrey, Awi... Agree with me...

Gah... so tempting to just sleep all day...:P

What. Is. Up?!

Darn darn darn darn darn darn darn!!! What is up?!

Uh oh... I must have downloaded something bad... Err... Whenever I open 'My Computer' or 'My Documents' and folders of that sort, the CPU starts making this "Bzzt... bzzt... bzzt..." sound and the floppy drive would light up everytime it does that even if there's no floppy disk inside.

I found out about it two days ago. It has been three days since I last used it before then, because my mom was studying for this CISCO exam of hers in Mapua Makati. As soon as I got connected to the internet, I clicked my 'Bit Torrent' downloader and 'My Documents.' I waited for a few seconds, since it usually takes a while before the downloader pops out... Lo and behold... It didn't appear!!! The CPU started that annoying sound, and after a few more minutes of trying to open my ever beloved BT, I gave up.

The CPU was still making that sound! I ignored it... and went on about my business. Chatted on YM (automatically logs in), played Eheads, PNE, Rivermaya and RK on Windows Media Player, checked my Yahoo! mail, checked my Gmail, opened up Friendster, opened up MySpace, opened up Multiply, opened up Blogger, opened up Ultimate-Guitar, opened up MS Word, checked a bit on HP-B, stared into space, opened everything up over and over again... Basically the usual Cydelle-on-the-internet stuff.

I forgot to open Limewire that day...

Next day the same stuff happened, and my dad noticed. He checked the pc... clicking here and there. He started tsk-ing.

Holy shit. I knew it.

Tae ng talangka naman...

"What did you do to the pc?" my dad asked.

What did I do?! I didn't do a thing! I wasn't the last person to use the pc...

He left, still tsk-ing.

This afternoon I told my dad I was going to burn stuff on a CD. He asked me to burn my MYMP and music of the same kind on a CD as well.

And also to download some stuff for him. Hell, that meant using either 'Limewire' or 'Bit Torrent.'

I opened up BT first. The same thing happened. Nothing. I clicked on 'Limewire.'

FUCK.

Nothing happened either. My first instinct was... "PAAAAAA!!! Ayaw gumana ng Limewire at Bit Torrent!!!" He went over to the pc and noticed the Bzzt-ing sound again. Again, he tsk-ed and asked me what I did. He opened up the 'Control Panel' and clicked on the 'Add/Remove Programs' thingy. What the hell is that!? The logos for both BT and Limewire showed MS Word's logo! Huwaaaaat!?

We removed both from the pc and then restarted it. It was still making the sound. My dad was back in his room. I did a little investigating. I opened up drive C:. Hell no. The folders for BT and Limewire were still in the 'Program Files' folder. WTF?! I deleted them. And then deleted those from the Recycle Bin.

Still the same thing happened. Until now. It still makes that sound which made my dad conclude that there was probably this spyware thingy going on.

Now... I went to Popo's blog and saw that there was that block picture from yesterday. I clicked on it and tried saving it into the pc. Tried. When I went to the folder, it wasn't there. Thinking I saved it in another folder, I went searching for it. It wasn't anywhere. Maybe I forgot to save it. So I accessed his page again ang clicked "Save Picture As." I made sure I clicked "Save." I opened the folder again.

Nada.

WTF?! I dismissed it, saying to myself I could always just ask Popo to send it over through YM. I went on doing stuff in the internet.

I chanced upon Abby Marieee's Multiply. I clicked the 'Ateneans' folder in her photos and saw a pic of me from when we ate at Tokyo Tokyo which I never knew existed. I posted a comment on the pic... And then went on to save it. I remembered what happened when I tried saving Popo's photo, so I opened the folder to check if it was there.

DO. NOT. TELL. ME.

It was not there!!! Now I know there's definitely something wrong!!! Waaaah! What was the last thing I downloaded? Let's see... The last time I downloaded something was... Hmm... That was when I had the house all to myself. So... That was a week ago... Saturday last week. Yes. I remember keeping the pc open while I was watching "Forrest Gump" on Studio 23 because I was seeding the RK OVAs.

I shut the pc down an hour after the show ended. The next time I used it, it was a purely download-free day. I didn't open either BT or Limewire. So what could have caused this stupid fucking problem right now?

Haven't found out yet... My dad asked me to look for some Anti Virus thingy that we wouldn't have to pay for, but how do I do that? Nyar...

Depression... How fun

Depression, depression, and more depression...

I'm depressed again, for some unknown reason. Come on... Am I doomed to be depressed for all time? No matter how good a day starts, it still ends badly because as afternoon approaches I get into one of my bad moods. And it happens nearly every day.

I had one of those moods this afternoon. My blockmate noticed how mataray I was, and what he said was "Ang taray mo lagi kapag may libro ka. Di ko alam kung bakit pero ang taray mo talaga. Kanina masaya ka na eh."

It's really weird... happiness for me is just so fleeting. I started the day right, and towards the afternoon (like I said) everything just began to crumble and I was once again that gloomy, apocalyptic character that I was the previous afternoon. Save for a few precious minutes where everything felt right. It may sound so shallow, but a book was what provided me with that little happiness I got this afternoon. Thank goodness for the lab breakage fee that I got back...:P

Anyway... yeah, we went to National Bookstore Katips and that was where I saw so many books I wanted to buy. I chose to buy one which did not look like it would be easy to find in every bookstore (tipong Anne Rice, John Grisham, Sidney Sheldon, etc., na makikita mo sa kahit saang bookstore ka maghanap), and I used up Php 315 from what I got just for that. But it still gave me a thrill knowing that it was my first new book in a long while (two months have passed since I last bought a book). As I headed to the counter, I was ecstatic and I was literally skipping on the way there. Imagine a seventeen-year old skipping on the way to the counter in National Bookstore, with a huge smile plastered on her face, eyes shining (probably... I wouldn't know, would I?) in delight, like a seven year-old off to pay for the Barbie House/Caravan/Beach/Sports Car/Powder table which her mom permitted her to have.

I paid for the book, and we (course blockmates Paolo (Fernando) and Bea Marie (real name does not have any "Marie" in it) headed back to school on a tricycle. I was so excited. I've already pulled the book out of the plastic bag and was just waiting until we got down because I couldn't remove the plastic wrapping in that small cramped space of the tricycle. We went to the CovCourts, and as soon as I got down from the trike I tore off the wrapping... I couldn't wait to sit down and start on the 400 pages it contained.

But as soon as I sat down and the initial excitement died down, I reverted back to the depressed me before I bought the book. As I said, Paolo thought it was just the "usual me" when I am with a book, but I know it was not that. I don't normally get depressed and grim when I have a new book to read. I normally keep on smiling, because books put me in a good mood.

Is there a depression sickness or something? I feel as if I should start seeing a psychiatrist if this goes on...

Or maybe this depression is due to the horrible things I know are happening to me and around me but I refuse to acknowledge...

Still, it frustrates the hell out of me when I get into these moods for "no reason at all."

Comment

This is a comment that I posted on Ma'am's blog, and I thought it would be a good thing to post here. Realizations and stuff...:P

"Even if it did add to the many things I had to do, I have to admit that I had fun writing the reflection paper. In fact, Ma'am, on the weekend that I did the paper I prioritized it over the other things I had to do. I mean, I can't force myself to do something when my mind and my heart is set on doing something else, can I?

So my paper didn't conclude that well... We all have writer's block sometimes, and during the time I was ending my paper that was when every other thing I had to accomplish just seemed to pile one on top of another. I guess the realization that I had so much more to do began to sink in, and the thoughts in my mind just swirled around and I couldn't write right anymore.

But even if I know it didn't end well, getting the worksheets answered by my blockmates really made me feel good about myself. Not only did I hear good things (amidst the bad, of course) about my writing, but knowing that I somehow affected them by making them also think of their own lives and the memories they have shared with their loved ones made everything worth it. I felt different from the Cydelle that I usually am, the one who is always in the background, hardly saying anything to anyone outside of the group I am usually with.

I don't know if others agree or disagree with me on this one, but I think En12 has helped me love R39 more, and having you as our teacher, someone we can laugh with and trust helped so much in it. I know that I don't talk all that much with my blockmates, and I mainly just keep to myself and my group (Nixxie, Ana, etc.), but checking their reflection papers made me feel in a way "closer" to them, since I read a part of their life, even though I don't know who the other two who's papers I checked were.

If there was one thing that I regret this year (not just this semester), it is that I did not make any effort to get to know the others in my block. It's really frustrating, because only today did I learn of how fun my blockmates can be. Only today did I see what kinds of persons they are, and it makes me really sad that I've discovered that only now when the year is going to end. I got that from what I've read of their blogs, which is why I am also thankful for this requirement.

I really love the idea of the block party, and I hope to redeem myself when this time comes. I hope I can finally get to know those I didn't bother talking to. I know it's a little too late, but still it's better late than never, right?"

"Farewell R-39!!!" <---Popo

Popo, you're making me cry... *cries*

Popo just made an entry about R39, and it was entitled "Farewell, R-39!!!" Waaah! Who the hell wouldn't be saddened by that?! Gah... so sad, so sad...

Living up to what I wrote in my reflection paper [which needs quite a bit of changes]... I shall start taking pictures of my blockmates!!! Err... I guess I have to erase some pictures from my phone in order to make space, but that's okay! Oh, you just wait until the block party comes. Nyahahaha!:P

My place...

Where I belong...

A lot of time has passed since I met my barkada back in first year High School. Back then we were all just nenes, 12 year-olds who barely know anything about the world. Everything seemed innocent back then, and we were all just on equal footing. Now... Now that we're 16 and 17 year-olds, you can't help but have this certain feeling of inferiority, and sometimes even immaturity.

I was checking on my barkada's friendster accounts, and I looked at their newly uploaded pictures. There's only one word to describe what I saw. KIKAY. They've all gotten so kikay, that sometimes I couldn't help but think I don't belong with them. I mean, I can be maarte and kikay too at times, but I've never ever reached the level where they are in. I don't use make up, I don't wear short skirts and flimsy tops, I don't go out to the mall in search of potential boyfriends, batting my eyelashes at them until they take notice of me. As far as my 'kikayness" goes, I've reached only that level where I use a little face powder now and then and a bit of lip gloss just to make my lips look less pale.

I don't know why, but when I look at them, I sometimes tend to think that they have already turned into "real women" while I remain an immature child. Kung baga, parang talagang dalaga na sila, habang ako ay bata pa rin na ang pinag-kakaabalahan ay anime. They fit into the society, those with the "in" clothing, while I still wear the usual jeans, shirt, and rubber shoes.

But then I think "Clothing is not enough to establish a person's maturity or her worth." Just because they look like everyone else, and do what everyone else does (like going to spas and such), it does not mean that they are better people than I am. I think that of them all I am the one doing the more "mature" things. I don't go boy-hunting, which may make me seem like such a loser in other people's eyes. Heck, I don't even have serious crushes on people. The only crushes I get are those that are of pure admiration, and I don't even feel any kilig when I see them, unlike others. Weird, huh? But that's just really what I am. Unlike them, I don't fall for a lot of guys all at once, but when I do fall, I fall hard. I'm not generalizing this boy-hunting thing, but in their case it sometimes really just goes overboard.

Which is also one reason why I don't feel like I belong when I am with them. While they are talking to one another, giggling about the crushes they see along the hallways of their schools, I just remain in the background, sitting there and listening in on their conversations.

But then when I finally get home after meeting up with them, I begin to think that they are not really the "mature" beings that they seem to be. All that run through their heads are fashion and boys. At least I am serious about my studies and my priorities. Even if they are Dean's Listers in DLSU and I am nearly failing here in Ateneo, at least I know I am trying my best and doing everything I can to survive here. At least I have a good spiritual life. They claim to be part of YFC, they claim to love God so much and to do everything for His greater glory. But when nighttime comes, where are they? In the mall, shopping and wasting their money (because they've got a lot, anyway), getting their bellies and ears pierced, or in bars getting drunk and partying with boys, escaping from their parents (hahaha... sorry... translation: tumatakas sa mga magulang... :P Di ko alam kung paano i-translate eh:P). Ano bang magandang nagagawa ng pag-takas sa mga magulang, ng pagsisinungaling para lang makapaglakwatsa? Wala naman diba?

Yun... Basta yun na yun.:P

Blah

Entry "Blah" copied and pasted from Multiply

I feel... bad. I feel as if there is something wrong. I feel as if there's this cold hand gripping my heart, cutting off the circulation, AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG. Nothing biological thing going wrong with my heart, though. Just me and my unstable emotional self. It's really frustrating, because I'm getting all pissed without even knowing the reason behind my "pissedness."

Damn these mood swings. I swear... I really hate it. People start to think I am mad at them or something when in fact I am not. Darn...

College Friends

paolo fernando (3/7/2006 8:00:41 AM): "a friend of mine suggested that i should write about me going to the bathroom and taking a dump. i argued with him and he replied, 'dont they take a dump too??!'. that friend of mine is just plain.. genuis!"
paolo fernando (3/7/2006 8:00:42 AM): :))

Asa pa, Pao.:P I was telling him (my course blockmate) this morning about how I have forgotten that we had to have at least six entries for this blog thing, and that was what he told me. Figures... That's always what's in his head. Haaay... Bakit nga ba may mga tao na pawang kalokohan lang talaga ang laman ng isipan? Hahaha! Peace tayo, Pao.:P

But really, I enjoy the company of my blockmates so much. Not just my course blockmates, but my english blockmates as well. We've known each other for less than a year, but I find that I can be open to them and I know they'd always be there to listen. I think I am really blessed to have been put in these two blocks, U1 and R39.

I know some people who are not as happy with their blocks, and some in my course even want to have either the blocks shuffled or have them transferred into our block. A lot of people say that of all three blocks in the ECE Freshman batch, U1 is the most bonded. Our block is the one where anyone can go along with anyone else in the block and still feel no uneasiness or awkwardness. Even our "adopted blockmates" (yung mga nasa kabilang blocks pero nakikisali na rin sa amin) feel at home when with us. So I really consider myself really blessed.

Things are similar in R39. Okay... I know I don't know many of you guys personally, because me being the shy person I am I do't usually approach other people I don't know. In fact, most of you guys told me in the Johari window thingy we did at the beginning of the reflection paper module that I was shy and quiet and I should open up more. I told myself before I graduated High School that I will not be the shy quiet girl who just sticks with one group when I finally get into college, but I guess I still had a hard time adjusting from the introvert that I am into the extrovert that I wanted to be. Honestly I really really want to change. I am sick of being like this, like I am always just in the background, but I just can't bring myself forward... Argh, frustrating...

Anyway, back to what I was originally trying to say. Even if I don't know a lot of those in R39, I still love you guys so much. Especially that group I'm always with.:P I love hanging out with you guys, and I really wish that skating gimmick happens again.:D I will definitely miss all of you when next year comes...:(

Now seriously... Where the hell is that box where you put the title?! It's still not revealing itself to me, and I am now very frustrated!!!

Finally! A post about 1017!!!

Now you know what this post is supposed to be about. About Proclamation 1017. About the State of National Emergency thingy. About this event which I really did not know about on the day that it happened.

Really, I was too happy thinking of how long I could sleep for that day since there were no classes, and of watching the VCDs that I have burned the night before. In fact, I wouldn't have known there were no classes if my course blockmate hadn't texted me early Friday morning, asking if it was true, and if I hadn't texted our other blockmates. When at least 3 people have replied that there were really no classes, I didn't even bother finding out why. I just went back to sleep and slept until noon.

Now it was good that we talked about this in english class. I wouldn't have known what was happening if we didn't. Feeling ko tuloy sobrang walang kwenta ko nung nag-uusap yung class about apathy, etc. I was not exactly apathetic... I mean, I cared. I asked my parents what this proclamation 1017 was about. I was saying "I'd rather we went to school than that we didn't have classes because of how bad the situation in our country is." I just didn't start to think of what the implications of that proclamation would be. I didn't analyze whether GMA did the right thing or not. Okay... so maybe I was apathetic... a little... more than a little, maybe...

So when we were discussing this in class, I was praying "Please, don't let Ms. Uychoco call my name... I wouldn't know what to tell her." But I did listen to what the others were saying, about what their opinions on the thing was. After class, I started to think of which side I was taking.

Some say that GMA was rash in doing what she did. That proclamation 1017 was uncalled for, since there were only rumors of rebellion and threats of destabilization. There was no real violence and stuff like that.

However... I guess I am on GMA's side on this. Sure, they raided newspapers and had these warrantless arrests... But... I guess I see it as a precaution that she took. People see it as Martial Law all over again, but I don't. I don't know why, but I've always been on GMA's side. I guess it's because I could see that she is actually doing her job and improving our economy. Heck, I was surprised when I learned from my dad that the peso-dollar rate went down to 51 pesos for every dollar. So I think she knew what she was doing when she did what she did, and I am on her side on this.

The proclamation has been lifted, hasn't it? Just making sure...

What fools humans can be...

Looks really can be decieving...

Sometimes you just can't help but think of how stupid you are... You sometimes tell yourself "How could I not have seen this before?!" Why is it that people really are not what they seem? You learn to trust one person because that person looks as if he or she deserves your trust, but they just end up hurting you. And because you've given so much of your trust the pain comes harsher than it would if any other person caused it.

High School friends

Where on earth is that little box where I can put the title for my blog entry?!

I was chatting with my best friend who now lives in Los Angeles, California, and I was thinking about how good it is that we still keep in contact. Of all the best friends I had before, she's the only one who remained in contact with me, and to think that compared to the other best friends she is a thousand miles away from me.

I guess that thing about your high school friends being your friends for life is true. My high school friends are those whom I am sure will always be there to listen to me no matter what time of the day it is or no matter what distance separates us. They always remain the sweetest people on earth, and I feel really blessed for being able to get to know them the past four years.

Even if those in my barkada who are here in the Philippines and in my batch study there... You know... THERE... Hahaha!

Edit: I found out now why the title box does not appear. I don't remember having it removed, though... It was there when I first attempted to post something, so I assumed that something went wrong since it just disappeared all of a sudden...

Boys boys boys

Would life be easier with or without boys?

I am a person trusted by her friends... And they trust me so much that they tell me detailed stories about their lives and how "their boys" just somehow mess things up. I mean, just before starting this entry one of my friends who studies in UPLB called me up to tell me about how much she is hurt by everything that is happening between her and the boy she likes.

They've got all sorts of problems, actually. One was telling me just yesterday how much she is suffering because of the feeling that the guy she likes is starting to develop feelings for her closest college friend, who happens to know about her intense crush on the guy, by the way. Also yesterday I was chatting with a friend on YM and she was telling me about how she and her guy best friend were growing farther apart. Another friend of mine was telling me before about how she feels that she and her best friend were also losing the friendship that they previously had just because of the girl that the guy likes. And now this... a friend telling me how "used" she felt, because after all that the guy told her about caring so much for her he was treating her in a way that makes her feel as if he did not really give a damn. Para bang pinag-sawaan na daw siya... And it's hurting her so much.

Listening to their stories, I can't help but feel that the boys are the ones at fault. I don't know if it's just because I care for my friends and I don't want them getting hurt, or because I just have this bias, but whenever I hear them tell me about their "love lives" I keep thinking that it's the guys' fault for being so gago. They don't even realize they're hurting other's feelings, or if ever they do it just really does not matter to them at all. Especially those "best friends." I hate hearing about boys taking their friendship with others for granted just because they now have a girl to pay attention to at all times.

I feel as if I've just ranted about nonsense right there, but I just wanted to express my feelings. I don't even know if I made any sense. I didn't bother trying to check the grammar because I'm not in my OC mode right now. But I really just wanted to let it known that I hate boys who act that way. Err... Did I even get my point across?

Blogger.com first-timer

Oooh... New blog... Wala lang:D

There are times when I just want to smack myself in the head because of some stupid things I have done. Right now would be one of those times. Imagine making a ten-page paper, title page and bibliographies included, and saving them in a diskette. ONLY in a diskette... And LOSING that diskette. Now what would that mean? It would mean that when doing the final draft comes you will have to type the ENTIRE thing all over again. The entire freaking ten-page paper.

Along with that you have this Papel na Pananaliksik for Filipino, and you've got only a week to do it.

Oh, did I forget to say it? Both papers are due on the same day. CRAP.

This would mean that I could not be my usual procrastinating self. I would have to learn to stay away from the distractions that we call Yahoo! Messenger, Friendster, Multiply, and MySpace. How hard that would be for someone like me who spends every minute at home sitting in front of the pc.

No wonder my eyes keep hurting these days.

Argh... My thoughts are currently mixed up in my head and I can't think straight. Probably because I haven't eaten properly the past days. And maybe because of the stress from school too. Math and Physics are driving me mad. Really... I should try staying away from the distractions stated above.

Maigali... My thoughts are so random right now.