Who cares anyway?

This entire thing was taken from my diary... sort of copy pasted, except that you can't copy something from paper and paste it into the pc...

Everything in [ ] are those stuff which I wanted to add but didn't because I was too tired from writing so much...

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Death is just so appealing right now. No more schoolwork, no more depression, no more parents telling you how much you suck and what a liar you are. No nothing, just plain darkness. No problems, at the same time no happiness. PERFECT.

If I died, would anyone miss me? Would anyone care that I'm gone? To some I might only be someone to help in a fourth year math lesson that he does not understand, or I might only be an English-Tagalog dictionary to others. I might be something like MS Word's Filipino version of "Spelling and grammar check," or someone to lend anime VCDs to those who want to. I might only be [the block's walking bulletin board], someone you can ask to send a text message to the entire block just because I'm on line [(Come on... "Pkikalat... Line k nmn eh..." and "Kaya nga sa iyo ko sinend, kasi alam kong line ka..." What do those say?)], or someone to burn songs and files onto a CD.

To my siblings I might just be an abusive ate, unworthy of their respect. To my parents I feel as if I'm only a liar, a daughter who does not ever tell anything of the truth and someone whom they can never trust.

The more I write about this, the more I think less of the kind of person I am. Do I even have any good qualities? I know I can be violent, and I admit to being a big bully back in grade school. I might say I'm gifted in the intellect, but that just wouldn't match up with the failing grades I'm getting, would it? I can't say I'm good at socializing and speaking in public either, as I am such a huge introvert who would prefer to keep to herself. Hell, I can't even fall under the category "Beauty but no brains." Heaven knows I'm no hottie. I'm small in stature, I'm dark, [I don't have the perfect Ms. Universe body... far from it, in fact]... What more can you ask for?

I feel pathetic, and the logical, rational part of my brain is telling me I'm even more pathetic for thinking that such petty things make me unworthy...

But hell... can you blame me?

Probably the only thing I can be good at is being a true friend, but the think is... Is anyone at all true to me?

Maybe there's at least one person who truly does care. I hope to hell she does. Because I care for her so much, no matter what distance separates us. If she doesn't...

God... I may seem like such a whiner, but every single negative thing a seventeen-year old like myself could probably experiece is piling one on top of another, [and I can't do anything about them]. Seriously. And throughout this entire ordeal, no one seems to care...

Imagine sending a text message like this and not recieving any reply:

"Pagagalitan nanaman ako ni mama. Sinigawan na nako sa phone. See? Kaya gusto ko na agad umuwi eh. I'm sorry, di ako galit sa iyo, pero alam mo ba yung feeling na maiiyak ka na sa loob ng lrt mismo dahil pinagagalitan ka ng mom mo sa phone habang nasa public place ka at di mo madepensahan ang sarili mo dahil makikita nilang may gulo? Yung sinisigawan ka ng mom mo tungkol sa ano nanaman daw kasinungalingan ang sasabihin mo pag-uwi tapos kahit gaano kahina yung volume ay feeling mo super lakas pa rin at naririnig na ng ibang tao? Sayo siguro madali lang kasi sanay kang sumasagot sa mom mo pero sa amin hindi pwede ang ganung behavior. Kay gusto ko nang umuwi agad kasi alam ko na kahit naman magsabi ako ng totoo kung bakit late ako ay hindi pa rin nila tatanggapin at sasabihin pa rin nila na nagsisinungaling ako. Kaya nga desperado akong makauwi ng maaga. Kaya kita pinipilit na magmadali. Pero hindi. Kahit anong mangyari pagagalitan pa rin ako.. Oo na, medyo asar ako sayo. Ayan, inaamin ko na. Pero sana wag mong personalin. Naiintindihan mo naman siguro ang sitwasyon ko diba?"

This reached 8 messages on text... It took me several minutes to finish texting with the correct grammar, spelling and punctuation. An hour after I sent it, I still didn't recieve a reply. Way to show me how much people care, especially considering the fact that the reason I was because of you. I cared for you enough to wait even though I knew that my parents might get mad at me for coming home late.

Hindi sa nagpaparinig... pero do you know how much it hurts to not recieve any reply when here you are, crying and crying in nearly fetal position, your emotional self unstable, and you feeling like you're teetering on the brink of insanity? When here you are, feeling as if you're the lowest of the low, the most unworthy creature in the planet, and one of the people you value and care for so much don't even say so much as a sorry?

[And my mom... Oh god, my mom... Why can't she learn to trust me? I know I used to be a big jerk before, making up all sorts of excuses for stuff I do. But that was in high school... I'm trying to prove to her and my dad now that I can be trusted... I've been doing so the past two semesters, and still she does not get the message. Have I really been that stupid when I was a kid for me not to earn her trust even after trying so hard?]

Great... Just when I thought I'd finally gotten a reply to my long message, I open the inbox only to read that my dentist was just confirming the appointment I have with her tomorrow. Aww... How very thoughtful.

I might be overreacting a bit... and I'm sorry kung may natamaan ako or what. I love you all so much, and even if you don;t love me back I just want to let you know how much you've all affected me, of how much I value you. This goes out to my family, my extended family, my gradeschool friends, my high school friends, my barkada, my college friends whom I met the past two semesters, my course blockmates, my english blockmates, my CYA brothers and sisters (CYA Ateneo man or hindi, staffers, etc.), and practically everyone I know...

Before it's too late and I never get to tell you how much I care...

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I got the reply to my message two hours after I sent it... and how comforting to know that he was saying sorry for not being able to reply. Just that. Nothing about being sorry for causing my mom to get mad at me. Great... And to think that as we were walking to the lrt station (he and our friend accompanied me there) I was crying discreetly because I was thinking how unfair it was for me to act all mad at him when I voluntarily (well, sort of...) waited for him to get back from where he came from just so he could photocopy the physics notes I had...

And my mom? She's not talking to me. I never got to tell her when I got home why I was late, because she never even looked at me when I arrived. I guess she still thinks I was going to lie about what caused me to get home late...

I'm still a walking bulletin board. The entire time I was typing this thing, around five people texted me about the block study group thing tomorrow morning for the physics long test.

And I'm still emotionally unstable and suicidal. A walking time bomb. I wonder when I will explode...