Palaka

I want to blog. I mean, blog something coherent and sensible. There are a lot of things that I just want to vent out right now, but I can't find the energy to write about it. I can't find the "inspiration" to write either. It's like... Everytime I sit here in front of the pc, staring at this huge box where I could type anything and everything I want to, the words just won't come. And then a little later, I would be too frustrated to write anything connected to what I originally wanted to say.

Maybe as I type nonsense I might be able to type what I actually really want to type...

Days are getting worse. No matter how much I want to smile, I just couldn't. Well, not wholeheartedly, at least. I do smile, but it's the fake, plastic smile that says "I am not in the mood." Sometimes I would just keep quiet, and everyone would be asking me what was wrong. I'd shake my head and say it was nothing, of course.

Deep inside, I was keeping quiet because I'm thinking about things. Such as... What could happen if SOMETHING hadn't happened? Or if I DIDN'T LET THAT CRUCIAL MOMENT PASS BY? What if instead of keeping quiet about something, I actually voiced out my opinion right from the very start, instead of keeping it all in the whole time?

Then sometimes, in the process of thinking, I'd find myself crying. Tears would flow even if I dont will them, and thankfully no one notices.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm being too shallow, too irrational. It had already occured to me that I might be the only one seeing the wrong in whatever situation I'm in, and that maybe in reality it really is no big deal. But further thinking owuld tell me that "Hey, you're not at fault here. Your thoughts aren't exactly irrational."

I don't know anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just bring back the past, so that I could redo whatever mistakes I made before. If given the chance, I would do the opposite of what I did. Maybe eventually I'd feel that there is something wrong with going back to what was before, and that I'd probably come to a point where I'd want to find out what would happen if I did another thing. It's just a cycle, really.

Life's a vicious cycle.

Then sometimes I just stop to think... I'm supposed to be studying. I told myself that I'd start to take my lessons seriously, but then here I am, still in front of the pc. Sometimes I gather the strength to let go of the pc, and during those times I feel as if I were bestowed with what little seriousness of character may be given me.

And then of course there's that fact that I want someone to talk to so bad.It's a personal thing... I suppose you could say I have trust issues. I could say Itrust a certain group of people, but not with something so personal.

Like my blockmates. I trust my blockmates. I really do. They're the greatest, and I really enjoy being with them. However no matter how hard try I still would not be ble to share with them my innermost secrets and problems.

Ewan. Bahala na.